It's reflection time

It’s now technically December 9th, and I know we were supposed to be done with the blog “by the end of the day.” But I’m still awake, so my day still isn’t over! Hopefully that counts.

Thanks to this project, I think I learned that I am not a blogger. Or maybe this just wasn’t the right topic for me to blog about consistently.
As for driving… well, I’m still working on it. It is a process, but I am committed this time.

The next big goal for me is to drive in Atlanta. I’ve lived here for 3 years, and I think it’s time for me to face that fear. I drove all the way to Virginia! I think I can handle driving through the city. Although it is a crazy city… I’ll just have to be sure to avoid rush hour.

Driving to Virginia and back made me realize that practice really is the key. The longer I drove, the easier it got. I even drove at night, and I was fine for an hour or so. I am a little worried though because winter is coming fast. I don't think I trust myself to drive in the snow or when it's icy. So hopefully not driving during those wintery days won't damage all the progress I have made.

Since I’m all done with finals now, I can finally go play the Sims 3 Pets that I got for my birthday! So I’ll probably be up for at least 3 more hours. See, this was still posted by the end of the day – well my day, anyway! :)

It’s been a crazy week since the last time I drove, thanks to FINALS!
I haven’t gone anywhere other than to class and back home all week. So I haven’t been driving. But I just realized I haven't posted any pictures of my car. So here’s Abby:



It's all fixed up now – it has a new battery and a new starter, and my dad worked on some other little things over Thanksgiving break. It doesn’t shake anymore, so I don’t have to be scared of it falling apart while I’m driving.

There is a crack in the windshield, but I guess it just gives her character. I sometimes wonder how much longer she’ll hold up. As much as I can’t wait to get a new car one day, I will miss this one - mainly for nostalgia's sake.
I grew up in the back seat of this car, I learned to drive in this car, I got through college with this car. I wonder if I’ll have my own kid in the back of this car one day. If it's still drivable in 4 years or so, it’s possible!

Then I turned 22

My birthday last week had me really put some things into perspective.
Well, actually it was the day after my birthday, when I had a hangover and a paper to write. I couldn't concentrate on writing that paper of course, so I started to clean my apartment. Cleaning makes me think. And thinking makes my head hurt, so that really didn't help the hangover situation, but I digress.

I'm graduating in May, and I still don't really have any plans for my future. So I finally decided to check out internship opportunities. I emailed the lady in charge of that, and then I sent out some resumes in hopes of getting a job over winter break too. So it felt like maybe I was starting to get on the right track.

Then I remembered, Oh hey, I still don't drive. Problem.

So now I really and truly am driving more. I drove to Walmart the next day because we were out of toilet paper. I only felt some anxiety when I first started the car. I know where Walmart is, so that made it pretty easy. I do get really nervous thinking about driving in unfamiliar places though.
But Walmart is a good place to start, I think.

I drove to Kroger a few days later to go grocery shopping. Jacob thought it would be funny to shoot all of our friends a "help me!" text.
Ha. Ha.
But then on the way home, a truck almost crashed into us because I misinterpreted a Yield sign...
Sometimes the world is against me.

Thanksgiving part 2

I felt pretty badass when I passed the sign that said “Welcome to Virginia!” That was the first time I personally drove into a different state. In fact, this trip was the first time I drove in a state other than Georgia, period. I drove in South Carolina, North Carolina, and Virginia! It probably sounds silly, but that’s a pretty big accomplishment for me :)

We finally got there at 2 in the morning, and then I could officially relax and enjoy my break. Thanksgiving was wonderful!
But 4 days later, we were back on the road again.

And driving back home felt so much longer than driving to Virginia. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?
I ran my big mouth and said I would drive at least 5 hours on the way back home.

But by the time it was my turn to drive for the second time, it was completely dark. After driving for an hour, the road felt like it kept getting narrower and narrower.
It looked like the road was starting to disappear. And then the lights all started to blend together. I thought it would stop, so I kept driving. But after driving like that for 10 minutes, I started to have a mild panic attack. I couldn't concentrate on driving straight anymore, and I even started feeling dizzy. Jacob had me get off at the next exit, and then he drove home the rest of the way. So on the way back home, I only drove about 2 and a half hours...
I felt really bad, but I think I would have felt worse if I had accidentally killed us.

Thanksgiving Roadtrip!

Eventually, I did get behind the wheel!
My boyfriend and I made the 11 hour journey to Virginia over Thanksgiving break.
My parents and brother recently moved to VA, since my dad retired from the military a few months ago. His side of the family lives in Chesapeake, and I hadn't seen them all in over 5 years. And it had been 6 months since I saw my parents. I was so excited to go see everyone that sitting in a car for 11 hours, and even driving a few hours myself, didn't even bother me.

It wasn't so bad, since we just stayed on one highway almost the whole time. My boyfriend, Jacob, drove for 2 hours first. Then we stopped to fill up on gas, and he made me take over the wheel.
The thing that makes me nervous is getting on the highway. After that, it's (almost) a piece of cake. But when I started to pull out of the gas station, I started freaking out a little.
And when I was on that little connecter strip, I was frantically asking if I should be speeding up, if I should turn my blinker on yet... here's a snippet of our conversation:

Me: "DO I GO NOW? Is that guy gonna slow dowwwNOPE, he's speeding up!
Jacob: Okay hold on, wait a second - No, DON'T SLOW DOWN! Keep going!"
Me: What do I do?? HOW DO I GET OVER WITHOUT GETTING HIT?!"
Jacob: "Chill the fuck out. Okay, you can go now. ...GO! NOW!"

Fun times.

I got the hang of it though and realized that it isn't really that complicated after all. Of course, I had Jacob looking out of the window, telling me exactly when to go. I haven't quite mastered simultaneously driving straight and looking out of the back window to judge whether or not I can go.

I drove for an hour, then he drove for a few hours, then I drove 2 hours, aaand he drove the rest. So I only drove 3/11 hours, but I think that's pretty good for someone who never drives!

A little something I like to call "BSB therapy" really helped me out. Yeah, that's when I jam out to the backstreet Bros. I also listened to the "Chicago" soundtrack, and Jacob took that as his cue to take a little nap.
I didn't even realize it until I purposely sang along completely off key, with an extra annoying voice ("The gun the gun the gun the gun oh yes oh yes they both OH YES THEY BOTH reached for THE GUN THE GUN THE GUN the gun the gun...") and it triggered
NO RESPONSE.
He was knocked out. That is just not safe when I am driving, so I had to wake him up, before the ambulance did.

Well, the end of the semester sure snuck up on me.

So much has happened since my last post! I should have sat down and blogged about it all much sooner, I know… but I did take down notes in a notebook, so that when I do finally post it on my blog (now), I will know exactly what to say. So, I get some credit for that?

I’ll be honest. I didn’t want to come on here to write about driving. Not even knowing it will affect my grade mattered to me.
Four weeks ago, a guy I graduated from high school with died in a car accident. I went to a small high school because it was on an Air Force base in Germany. My graduating class only had 106 people. DoDDS schools are a tight-knit community. My high school didn’t really have many cliques. We all got along with everyone, and Jordan did especially. Anytime there’s a tragedy like this, you hear everyone say, “everyone just loved him,” and “he was so sweet and so funny – he had so much to offer the world!” Everyone goes on to describe the typical popular quarterback, prom king type of person.

But Jordan really was my high school quarterback and he was our prom king. But not because he was just popular among the jocks and the “average” or “uncool” crowd didn’t like him or even know him. No… he truly was an amazing person. I had a math class with him and he made the class fun. He was always making me laugh. He even had the teacher cracking up! He was such a positive person and such a joy to be around.
Telling you about him wouldn't even do him any justice, so I'll just say that when I heard the terrible news, I thought to myself “of all people… why him, of ALL people?”

The worst part is, Jordan was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Another driver was being chased by police, and he ended up crashing into three other cars, causing a huge pile up. Jordan was the only fatality. I read that his car went airborne, crashing into the traffic lights before it came crashing back down to the ground. Eye witnesses said they knew there was no way anyone in that car could have survived that.

It breaks my heart. Even now, a month later, I’m getting teary-eyed. So after that, I didn’t want to write about driving… I didn’t even want to drive. You can’t trust people coming at you with that much power, speed, and steel.


RIP <3

Wow, I have not been a good blogger. Let me try to make it up!

My car has not been cooperating, so it's made it difficult for me to practice driving.

After the muffler fell off, we found out some other parts needed to be replaced. There’s something bizarre going on with the gear shift, and the car shakes whenever it’s put in reverse. I don't know... but in order to drive it, you have to simultaneously have your foot on the gas when you use the breaks. My boyfriend apparently knows how to handle it and has been driving it like this for months, but I don’t trust my coordination and driving skills enough to have my feet anywhere near the gas or the brake pedals until we get it fixed.

Hopefully, we are finally getting it fixed this weekend!


In the meantime, I did some lovely psychological self-evaluation via Google.

My problem isn’t so much the lack of knowledge. I know how to drive. Well except sometimes when I get confused about when and where I can or can’t turn.

How do I know which side I’m supposed to turn into when there are like 3 to choose from, and how do I know which one the guy next to me will choose?

And I’m sorry, but the term “median” seems pretty subjective to me.

Simple, yet potentially fatal, things like that…

But the main reason I don’t drive is fear. I always say my brain doesn’t work as fast as the cars speeding past me. By the time I realize where to turn, I’ve passed it. By the time I turn my blinker on and decide it’s probably safe enough to get into the other lane, the driver behind my potential new spot is fed up and picks up speed.

So anyway, I checked out some websites that popped up when I typed in “fear of driving” and “driving anxiety,” and wouldn’t you know it, most of them were advertising expensive self-help programs to either buy or download. After some more digging, I found a ton of pseudo-inspiring advice such as “panic is your body’s way of protecting you,” “keep a daily journal expressing your emotional journey,” and “you have to take control of your body: relax your jaw, count to 10, and take a deep breath.”

This one was actually kind of helpful though because it made me realize that this is a real phobia, and it’s not the craziest, most embarrassing thing in the world after all:
http://www.driving-fear.com/scared_of_driving.html


I do feel silly because I’ve never been in an accident or experienced any sort of trauma. But then again, maybe that’s exactly the problem. I’m not saying that I wish a car accident on myself (oh Jesus, I hope I’m not jinxing myself right now), but maybe the anticipation of an accident is why I’m so panicky. I don’t know what to expect, what an accident would feel like, how to handle the situation… and that might be why it’s such a scary thought for me.